Why, hello there. It’s been two weeks. I realized that that’s how long I’ve been gone. Blame writer’s block, or the weather, or PMS. But yeah, I have moments when I think about so many things then I tire myself to sleep. For a couple of nights, I opt to just read a book until I glimpse at the clock and curse because it’s way past my bedtime. But for the most part of my missing-in-action period, I just spend hours staring at the ceiling because things have been so… blah lately. Adjectives fail me when I try to describe how I’ve been feeling.
I took a day off to pick up the pieces of myself which, over the past few days, has deteriorated under extremely intense emotions. My friend Maggie at work knows this very well; after all, we’ve seated beside each other for more than a year when I was still in the same department as hers. She describes moments like this with the most appropriate term – RAGE, and she knows that it has started when I: a. bang the mouse and a number of expletives follow, b. call people names, even if their only sin was not looking “presentable” at work, c. start not to talk too much but suddenly burst out ranting, d. all of the above. Even my boss was worried, and he sent me a message yesterday to check if I was okay because I was throwing things around and not being my usual “mapang bwisit” self (I haven’t called him a minion or laughed at his appearance the entire day and that’s really not normal). Even through YM, A got frustrated at me for my tantrums, and as he counted, it’s “my second one in two days.”
I finally had the courage to start writing again today. And it feels better to admit, I
am was unhappy. I’ll defend myself, yes, by saying that it’s the time of the month, my estrogens go berserk. But it’s not the mature thing to say, it’s not an excuse. I have had enough practice of managing my emotions and controlling my temper as a trainer, but I guess I am regressing. Just the other day, I was so pissed off with someone from our village because she didn’t close the shuttle door upon riding. I got really irritated because I had to do it for her, so when we got to the village gate, I slammed the door on her face when I alighted. It gave me a temporary feeling of satisfaction, but now that I think about it, I feel bad. I keep coming back to those days when I get mad when I don’t get what I want, when an unreasonable request that I make is not granted, when things don’t go my way.
This day enlightened me and gave me a chance to mull over my feelings. I spent the morning in a clinic for my annual physical exam, and the afternoon in a dental clinic for my orthodontic braces adjustment. I managed to have time alone for myself in between these activities over lunch, and by the window of CBTL, I recalled everything that I have said and done for the past two weeks. Most of them were negative things – tantrums here and there, complaints, stupid and immature observations and reactions to things. It just struck me hard that I have to let negativity go because I don’t want to ruin the rest of my days just because things aren’t going smoothly at home or with my friends and loved ones.
I went home early. I came home to my newly-installed book shelf, and it instantly lifted my spirits up. My parents were both at home so I had time to chat with them, forgetting some household issues last week. I walked my dog Crystal afterwards and went to my Lola’s house. I asked my dad to pick us up and then I resumed arranging my book shelf. Such joy dusting my books, putting them on my shelf, and designing my bookends!
Right now, I feel miles and miles away from the ugly emotions I harbored just hours ago. I am glad to spend the rest of my Friday with the family. Maybe I will also take this time to say sorry to the neighbor (I hope the door didn’t hit your face really hard), and to everyone else to whom I have lashed out last week. Thanks for your understanding and patience. And to my bubbly self, welcome back. I missed you.